Sunday, September 29, 2013

An Umbrella & A Plan...

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The past 18 months of my life I have felt confused, tangled in thought, exhausted, and a bit lost. I have felt like my days are longer than my nights, and in reality they actually are. I have spent the last couple of weeks talking to God and praying about my own personal situation, the situation is plainly that my once fountain for God has become a bit dry. Its more like a drought really. I know God is a unending waterfall, He never funs dry, but when my life took a turn 18 months ago I grabbed a umbrella to stay dry, instead of walking in the water. I have lived under that umbrella for 18 months. 

Jim finally graduated for Bible College in May 2012, and let me say that the 2 years he was there was the hardest time of my life. I felt like a single parent and honestly I was. We seen him a total of 30 minutes a day 5 days a week. I did everything from grocery shopping to keeping track of bills for him, homeschooling, and trying to maintain my own sanity, and his last year there I was pregnant with our 4th child. It was a hard time in life, one that I am thankful is over and I wont have to do again. 

Once he graduated I pulled up that umbrella, I covered myself for a breather. I wanted time to think, sit down, not cook, not clean, not school, not do a single thing. Selfish, I know. I was purely washed up and hung out to dry. I am only 25, but I feel like I am at least 50 on most days.

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Instead of surrounding myself with Christian friends, going to Church, and making time for God in my personal life, I just chose to close the door and hide under my umbrella. I let the waterfall of God come down but never touch me, I can see it, I hear it, and hear Him telling me to let go but I choose to sit and watch my life sink around me instead. 

The past 18 months I have became someone I am not
  • I have no routine for myself or my kids
  • I let things go that I shouldnt, I became passive
  • I am more irritated
  • I dont make that personal time for God in my mornings that so need
  • I dont accomplish what I should each day, making myself more work on the weekends, laziness entered in
  • We dont attend a church {not entirely our fault, we are still searching for that church "home"}
  • I became passive with television and movies 
  • I became passive with our family togetherness
  • I became a little bitter
These words fly off the page at me and just hit me in the face. I in a sense let satan take over my life instead of walking the way God wanted me to. I went a bit fast instead of slowing down and taking life in.

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{Translation: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain..”}

Life is hard, its hard because we live in a sinful world. The majority of people today are lost, walking out there either completely unaware of God or running from Him. It saddens me completely. But then I think what did I do for 18 months? I shut down, in a sense I ran. I knew God was there, and I knew He wanted me, but I ran the other way. Sometimes life gets too us, we are hanging on with that last little piece of thread, we have used all our resources, we feel alone, but yet we are not, in those moments God wants us to turn to Him and let Him shower us with His unfailing love, and see that things will get better. 

I talked to God this morning, it was a peaceful, nonjudgmental talk. Instead of pointing out all of flaws and mistakes from the past 18 months He just listened and then He finally told me that " Its ok, my child. You are forgiven." He then reminded me of Jeremiah 29:11 that says  "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"...Yes, He knows the plans He has carefully put together for me, you, and every other person in this world. Its pretty amazing once you think about. Although I took a 18 month detour around the path He laid in front of me, I am once again on track, ready to face the days ahead with an open heart and mind. Ready to see what He uses me and my family for. Ready to go back to seeing God's world and loving the way God loves. 

Its going to be an amazing journey, I am a Oh So Ready...

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