Friday, November 15, 2013

Do you ever wonder?...


Its Friday night.

The moon is full and shining brightly through our living room windows.

The house is quiet, all the kids are downstairs watching a Redbox DVD, thank you promo codes!

The sound of the dishwasher against the sound of classical music coming from the little boys room is relaxing.

I haven’t written in about a week, a lot has happened, not happened, and many thoughts have flooded my mind.

Too much for me to just sit calmly and write.

I don’t have any clue what we will have for dinner tonight, maybe Panini’s, that seems simple enough.

Jim hasn’t gotten home from work yet, typical, he never does anymore, which is fine I have learned to never really expect him at any given time these days, I guess that comes with the manager title.

As I mentioned, many thoughts have flooded my mind this week.

Do you ever wonder about exactly who you are?

Not the person people think you are, but who you are in the privacy of your home?
Do you ever wonder what people looking in, see?

Do you ever wonder who you be had you taken another path in life?

Do you ever wonder what actually goes through other people’s minds when they see you, or your home?

I know some of those questions aren’t easily answered, and you may say “well it doesn’t matter what others think” but in a sense it does, not on the note that it actually matters but because of how you are perceived by others.

Are you making a good impression?

Are you setting good examples for other people you meet?

Are you being kind, loving, and generous?

This time of year always gets me in that mood of generosity, the want to help others, the want to show others that no matter their age they can make it, they can change, they can grow into that amazing person they were put her to be. However, shouldn’t we always be in that kind of mood? Shouldn’t we care how others perceive us? Shouldn’t we care about what kind of example we are setting for others we meet and know?

I know I would like to be a fly on someone else’s wall, but when truly thinking about it, I wouldn’t want anyone to be a fly on my wall ever…I don’t want people to always know what I am TRULY thinking, or some of the things I have said about someone or someone’s situation. I will be the first to admit I am not always nice or considerate about things I say. I have always been very truthful and blunt, I don’t always use my words kindly. 

Back in August of this year, I lost a very a good friend of mine, we just aren’t on the same page anymore, we both had personal issues going on that in a sense became too much for the friendship, it was mutual to a degree. I am happy she is doing well, and I hope she continues on the path that she feels right for her. However, when the friendship ended, and after I was through the shock phase of it all, I realized how much she impacted me, how much she motivated me, how much she truly meant to me. I also realized that I didn’t really know myself without her as a friend. Its somewhat true along the lines of being a mom, I don’t really know who I am without kids, I had my first child at 17, so I have always been a mom. I never had that time to grow fully into a woman and have a life pre-child, I was a young lady, who made choices that impacted my future, I love my children all very much, and wouldn’t change being a mom for anything. My kids are growing up, 2 of our 4 are already in school, in a few years so will my last 2, I am not really sure I will know what to do with myself then, mainly because along this road, although I try my best to take care of myself, I don’t know who I truly am. I can tell you certain things about me, what I like and don’t like, but I don’t know who I am deep deep down. 

I wear so many hats, but yet none of them are labeled “Me”…

I remember in my younger years, always laughing and smiling, joking around and completely being crazy with my friends. We played pranks we played sports, we made good grades, we were typical kids. 

As I have became the wearer of so many hats, I have lost the most important hat, the one that says “Me”…

I have thought so so much about who I am, deep down, who I want to be, and how to get there. I have thought about what I want to do, what I want to change, things I don’t want to change, and everything in between.


Now, I just have to figure out who I truly am…and how to know when I have finally found myself…

1 comment:

  1. So funny to read this post as I have been thinking a lot about these questions. I am 44 and still trying to figure it out. But I think I am finally ready to figure it out. Good luck to you on this journey!

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