Saturday, April 05, 2014

From Broken to Finding My Wings: My Story of Sexual Abuse {Guest Post}

Today I am sharing a Guest Post, the story below comes from someone I personally know, grew up with, and love dearly to this day. Heather is from NC, she is a 23 year old Mom to a beautiful, sweet little 2 year old girl, and she is finding her future by letting go of the past. Please read this story with an open mind and heart, like Heather, I hope this post today will reach someone who may have gone through a similar situation, know someone who they need to help, or may even be going through a similar situation now. If you have any questions or would like to contact Heather personally you can do so by clicking the E-Mail button on my right sidebar, leaving some comments, or personally sending her a message via Facebook at her request. Thank you for taking the time to read this amazing story of a young lady who was once broken and today is finding her wings. {Kristen}

Before I start telling you about my story I would like to tell you a little bit about my "situation".. I don't like using the word 'victim' anymore because I'm surviving, but I have been sexually abused twice in my 23 years of life both times are different... I have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) & depression that has come and gone for years now. Usually getting flared back up from stress and things like that; anything can trigger it from flashbacks to break ups. I'm writing about this after years of trying to forget about it because I truly want to touch someone that may be going through a similar issue like I did. It's very important to me to help others like me before I leave this earth. I feel like it'll help me heal. Plus the counselor I was going to mentioned it would help a lot especially since I do have PTSD.

Topics like this don't get brought up at all really. Society doesn't need to make people that have been violated sexually or even physically & mentally feel ashamed. So here's what happened to me: when I was very young around 4 or so I was molested by a family member I can remember it like yesterday; it's been burned into my mind.. The family member was actually my "grandfather" which I don't call him that anymore. Well it only happened once & the sick thing about it is my parents & step grandmother was in a room over when it happened. They had no idea at all & I was too scared to say anything. 


So for about 8 years I didn't say a word. I still had to be around him and everything because I was too scared to tell & every time I was so scared it would happen again. I remember most nights in my child hood I couldn't even sleep I was so scared someone was going to come in and do something to me, I felt very vulnerable. Honestly the only reason I even told when I did was because I was told it had happened to other little girls & I was honestly mad at myself for not saying anything and letting that happen to someone else because they asked me before I was just too afraid to tell them yes. I don't want to put every single detail out there but he was in jail for a little while he is on the registered sex offender website & he is also free & people act like it never happened my own family in fact, most of them on my dad's side pretty much disowned me like I done something wrong. Even my parents started talking to him again and everything within a year or so. I still feel betrayed by them; I don't understand it at all and never will. 

After feeling disowned & betrayed I was so upset and that's when I fell into depression. For some reason I still to this day don't know why I done it but I started cutting myself. It took away the pain for a little while they caused and just made me feel better. Unfortunately that lead to it becoming a habit every time I was upset, angry or sad. After that I pushed it back as far as I could and tried my best to forget all about it. But you can only bottle your feelings up so much before that bottle starts over flowing then you can't keep running. Flash backs happen and no one knows why your acting the way you are and you have no choice but to talk about it. Which I hated I got so much anxiety I would basically have a panic attack. I was about 16 at this point in my life and I started hanging around people that done pills, Xanax and pain pills, actually which numbed the pain for me that I had been carrying around all these years. Great, right?! That's what I thought until I was with my then "boyfriend" who had gave me some pills, I didn't even ask what they was just took them. Well all I can remember is being woken up a couple times and him having sex with me. I was passed out and being raped basically I was so out of it. All I can remember is everything being black and being shook and him on top of me then black again that happened two more times then I came to and went home. It was hard to accept what had actually happened to me I tried to block it out and that just lead to more drug use and the 'cutting' came back. What stopped the heavy pill usage was me looking in the mirror at myself and just thinking how ugly I had became & I stopped that day for awhile completely. I still done them from time to time but nothing like it once was. I feel like the path I was on could've lead to total self destruction. I honestly didn't have much to live for I didn't have anything keeping me here on earth I had goals and dreams of course but I didn't have a sense of purpose. I know in my heart that the only reason I'm still alive is because of my daughter Kiyah Aubriana, she saved my life. It may sound cliché but it's the truth. I changed in so many ways once I found out I was pregnant.


I'm currently 'accepting' the things that have happened to me and trying my best to not let it define me. I am who I am today because of those things. Like I have major trust issues, everybody says that these days but no I really do. I second guess everyone and every situation. I never knew why really until I started going to counseling and she basically told me it was because of what happened when I was little I was betrayed by the people that was supposed to have been protecting me. I have flash backs that have haunted me my whole life. I can't hear, see, or read about anything that has to do with sexual abuse without having a flash back and having my nerves tore up. I haven't gone to a psychiatrist yet to see about medicine that can actually help me. I have took Zoloft before which helps for awhile up until I have a flash back and it haunts me so bad that I've thought about ending my life. It's like a broken film that keeps replaying over and over I can't get rid of until being off the Zoloft for about a week. I have no idea why it does that, it's crazy. I'm very emotional without medicine but I rather not be on it considering the side effects I've had.

I hope by sharing my story it can reach someone in a similar situation and it can touch them in some way and be a positive influence in their life. I want more sexually abused survivors to tell their story and not be ashamed anymore and continue to reach out to others. Maybe in a way what happened to me caused me to want to pursue a career in forensics, I don't know but I love it though that's my true passion and one day I'll reach that goal. I want to tell the stories of victims that are no longer able to tell it themselves.


I would recommend counseling to anyone in the situations I was in. Oh I know people don't want to talk about it at all, but it truly helps. I didn't want to even when I was sitting in the doctor’s office for my appointment. I had so much anxiety, I just wanted to run out and hide. I've heard there are support groups, I haven't been to one but I've thought about finding one in my area and going. I truly hope this changes someone's life one day & I hope others that are reading this decide to share their story and pass it on as well. Thank you for taking your time to read my story, it truly means a lot & is greatly appreciated.


{Disclaimer: this is a Guest Post featured on Enlightened Matriarch by another party, the story has be unedited for author authentication, please do not share this story without linking back to this site, thank you}

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